It's been a long, long, looooooong time. So much has happened. I became an Auntie in August, and am completely smitten with my nephew. He lives thousands of miles away, but through the amazing technologies available, we are able to Skype and see him a few times a week. He is beyond precious, but thankful he hasn't set my biological clock to ticking!
The biggest event to happen in my family to date; however, came in October. We found out that my mother has breast cancer. Initially we believed it to be a benign tumor, but after further testing and surgeries, it was upgraded to Stage III. I can't begin to describe the affect that 6-letter word has on a family. I'm not sure I can even try to explain all the emotions I felt after the diagnosis. All I know is one night, after lying there unable to sleep, I sat up in bed and realized that I had to move home. There was no way I would let my mother would go through this while I lived hours away, unable to help.
I began making the necessary arrangements to move home. Thankfully I had a student teacher this past year who graduated in December; she was able to stay on as my long-term sub during my Family and Medical Leave of Absence. My roommate and I quickly found someone to take my lease, and one of my best friends flew out to help me pack all of my belongings in a U-haul. We drove just under 12 hours in the rain to get me home where I belonged. I've been home with my mom since December.
Many things about the move were difficult. Hopefully this does not seem selfish, but uprooting my life and not leaving Phoenix on "my terms"--at the end of the year, after ample time for goodbyes to my friends and colleagues--proved to be emotional for me. Of course I knew that I was making the absolute best decision possible and I would forever regret staying in Phoenix instead of coming home. This didn't stop me from feeling incredibly sad when I left, and doesn't keep me from having moments now when I wish I were there.
Mostly, though, I am very grateful to be here. Spending time with my mom--reading, watching movies, walking, making smoothies, and even just cleaning while she sleeps--is a precious gift. To be able to help Skype my brother and nephew into the chemo room every twenty-one days while she is hooked up to I.V.'s for three hours... That makes me happy. Plenty of moments arise when I wonder if I'm doing this whole caretaker thing right. Am I nudging her enough to live "normally?" (Is there such a thing as "normal" in the context of cancer?!) Should I back off more? Am I feeding her the right foods? Is any of this right?! And then my wonderful aunt pointed out that this is a journey unique to my mother and our family. Sure there are plenty of books written to serve as guides for patients and families facing the battle against cancer, but no one can tell us exactly what our journey will be like. We have to do whatever is right for us. I decided that this is my litmus test for whether my actions are "right": If I am choosing this action from a place of love for my mother (and not a place of obligation or worry), then it is right. That's all I can do. Love her. Support her. Read her to sleep. Make her a smoothie in the blender. Watch seemingly endless episodes of Nate Berkus with her.
And, I can run a half marathon in her honor. Which I did, almost a month ago! On January 16th, I ran 13.1 miles with an incredible friend at my side. We wore pink for my momma, and my thoughts went to her every time I wanted to give up (which happened a lot).
Faith. Hope. Family. That's how we'll get through this.
Me after the race. Exhausted but happy!
Blessing #115: To Be My Mother's Daughter
To be at home with my momma right now is a blessing. This past summer, she showed me the true meaning of grace through her actions when she lovingly devoted her life for a time to taking care of my ailing grandmother (who was not always good to her). Watching her selflessly give up her own bedroom and bathroom, bathe and clothe my grandmother, feed her and love her, I thought to myself When it is my turn--when my mother needs me--I hope I am ready to give it all up to be there for her. This was my chance. And I did it. What a blessing to be able to give back to my mother (even in this smallest way) for all of the time, love, support, and help she gave to her own mother (and always to me). I am so blessed... to be my mother's daughter. She is a jewel of a woman; I can only hope to be half as graceful as she is someday.
♥
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