Getcha Beeeeaaah Heeeaaah [Day 6: A Fun Fact About Me]

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

A fun fact about me: I had my very first beer -- ever! -- for my 21st birthday during a Red Sox game at Fenway Park in Boston, MA. 

My dad asked me what I wanted to do for my twenty-first because it would be a really special birthday: I'd be having my first beer! I'd had a glass of champagne and wine before in France while under the supervision of my mom, but this would be my real first beer, and my dad asked "If you could do anything for your 21st, what would you do?" I replied: have my first beer at a Red Sox game in Fenway. So, my dad bought two tickets to Beantown, we flew out there for the weekend, and sat in the first-baseline season seats (right behind the dugout) that belonged to my uncle's law firm. During the second inning, I had my first beer ever!

What a great memory!

Blessing #124: Non-fat Chai Tea Lattes
I love chai tea lattes. They're like coffee in that they taste different from each coffee shop, but I always enjoy the spicy-sweet goodness. Especially after a hard workout class in the morning, and the air outside is cold and crisp after a week of rain. Yum.

♥

Sweet Song [Day 1: A Favorite Song]

I hope you never look back but you never forget

All the ones who love you and the place you left

I hope you always forgive and you never regret

And you help somebody every chance you get

Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake

And always give more than you take

I love music of all kinds. And I don't particularly like being asked what is my favorite music. My iPod is filled with so many different artists and songs; I love putting it on shuffle to just see what pops up. 


But, today I need to pick a favorite song. There are many I could choose from that remind me of wonderful people, fantastic memories, beautiful places, great times... Today, though, I decided on a song that makes me cry every time because whenever I hear it and sing along, I think of my mom.

The lyrics at the beginning of this post are from the song "My Wish," by Rascal Flatts -- the song I've chosen as a favorite. 

My mother played this song for me during my last quarter of college in spring 2008. I was in the midst of student teaching and had recently found out about my acceptance into Teach for America, which meant I was also preparing to move to Phoenix, AZ, for two years. It would be the first time I lived away from my parents (I attended college 40 minutes from home). As thrilling as that was, I was also constantly holding back a meltdown because I was going to miss my mom! She was incredibly supportive, encouraging, and excited for me, even though I knew the whole situation was making her sad.

One day, my mom told me she wanted me to listen to something. She put on "My Wish," and told me that it expressed everything she felt for me. She wanted me to know that no matter how sad she sometimes seemed about me leaving, she was so proud of me for who I was becoming and the choices I was making. It made me cry then, and it still makes me cry now. We purchased necklaces as part of my graduation gift, and one of the matching charms we chose is a star imprinted with the word "wish" to remind us of our song. Reminds me no matter where I am or what I am doing that somewhere my mom is loving me and hoping life becomes all that I want it to.

The past couple of months, time with my mom has become even more precious and the little things we share (Gilmore Girls, soy chai lattes, shopping, Meg Ryan movies, french fries, movies and popcorn... to name a few) feel all the more important.

Even our song.

Blessing #121: Olive Garden breadsticks
Ohmigosh. Let me start by saying I understand that the Olive Garden is not considered a "real" Italian restaurant. When it comes right down to it, though, I don't care. I love love love those breadsticks. As soon as I sit down, I order a drink and ask if we can get some breadsticks. Prefer not to wait until I order. I need something to munch whilst I look at the menu, after all! Oh, those glorious, warm, garlic-y, oh-so slightly crusty on the outside but soft on the inside breadsticks. Yum.

♥ 

In Excess

Anything in excess is most exhilarating. 

One day this week (if it's warm enough for an iced coffee drink), I think I'll head to Starbucks to order a drink in the new, 31 oz. Trenta cup. 31 oz.?! Seriously!? Apparently, there are many things you can fit into this cup.

Don't get me wrong, Starbucks is one of the things I enjoy in excess. Who really needs a Venti Iced Skim Caramel Macchiato, when all that's desired is a quick jolt of caffeine? I wish I were "too cool" to love it -- that I would choose to support local coffee shops instead of the coffee equivalent of McDonald's -- but alas, I choose the 'Bucks every time. 

Another thing I enjoy in excess is a reality show. Nothing like spending an entire Sunday afternoon parked in front of a "My Fair Wedding" marathon. There seems to be a direct correlation between how many episodes of any given reality show are airing that day and how interested I am in said reality show. The more time I have to watch it in succession, the more likely I am to enjoy every gloriously awful episode. My favorite marathons are of the Shore and Housewife variety, though. 

If I could have this following item in excess, that would make my life complete. He's also... 

Blessing #118: My Nephew

Oh. My. Heart. He stole it! Within 36 hours of entering this world, my nephew stole my heart and has yet to return it. Too bad he lives thousands of miles away, and it's not likely I'll be getting my heart back anytime soon. Never have I met such a precious child. His big blue eyes, and the way his red hair flips up in the front -- beyond adorable! And those yummy cheeks. And, of course, that delicious baby smell. Truly, he smells so incredibly wonderful, I can hardly stand it! If I could spend excessive amounts of time with him, that would be a dream come true. 

♥ Our first snuggle sesh ♥ 

Kindness Counts.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. 


Now more than ever before, I've begun to understand how important it is to be as kind as you can to everyone you meet...

You never know if that's the day they found out their mother has Stage III cancer.
Or the day their father got laid off after 24 years at the same company.
Or the day they should have been in their classroom, welcoming back their students from Winter Break; instead they have dropped everything to move home.
Or the day they are moving away from the life they've built over the past 2 1/2 years.
Or the day before they take a loved one for a round of chemotherapy; to sit and watch for 3 hours as chemicals so harsh they would burn through the laminate floors are pumped into her veins.
Or the day they watched that loved one stay in bed for an entire day, exhausted from fighting a battle with her own body's cells.
Or the day they first saw their loved one completely bald, when usually she has a head full of thick, strawberry blond hair.
Or the day they watch their mother cry because everything tastes like dirt and she is always tired.

...You just never know. Maybe they are getting ready for this:

Another afternoon of chemo.

All I know is that when someone who gives an extra smile or genuine "hello" when I am out and about now, I feel it's warmth more than I ever have before. When you and your family are fighting this kind of battle, every sweetness is an incredible encouragement. So many of our daily tasks are overwhelming and exhausting. 

If I am going through this, who knows what others are facing daily! Even problems I might consider "easy" to bear at this point in my life can be huge obstacles for other people. I feel compelled to be more aware of others and trying to affect them in a positive way -- no matter how our lives intersect -- because I know how much I am impacted by the kindness of others right now. Especially the kind texts, notes, and chats from my friends. 

Be kind. We never know. 

Blessing #117: Chemo Girls (and Guys)

Every 21 days, my two aunts, my dad, and I escort my mom to chemotherapy. We set up our chairs, bring out her cozy "chemo-blanket," chat with the nurses, and settle in for the next 3 hours. Now that I'm home, Chemo Girls has expanded to include my brother and nephew, whom we bring into the room via Skype. We tease my mom as the "loopy" pills kick in and her eyelids begin to flutter. My dad makes his trip to get us all coffee. We chat and laugh and read magazines. I see many people there by themselves, and I feel so blessed... that we have a group there to support my mom. 

♥ 

Man's Best Friend.

I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive. 

My dog knows we're leaving tomorrow. Completely underfoot all day long. Every time I turned around, there Rocky was, at my feet. He followed my mother around, too. He knows. We're heading down for chemo session #5 tomorrow. As much as I feel sad leaving him at home, coming back after being away is one of the best experiences ever. Ever. He gets so excited he actually jumps and leaps in the air. Then, just because he doesn't know what to do with himself, he often grabs the nearest shoe or slipper and runs around the house. Followed by more leaping, this time onto us, accompanied with a smile. An actual smile. Not bearing his teeth -- a smile! And, he shakes. Just shakes and shakes. Yep, coming home is really fun when Rocky is waiting. 


Rocky is just the cutest dog. I am so thankful that we have been able to give him a loving home. One night, a couple of years ago, his owners (who must have abused him because he is incredibly scared of fly-swatters, curse words, walking too closely behind him, crashing sounds, and any raised voices) just let him outside in the middle of a thunderstorm. He ran to my brother and mom's porch, and my brother let him inside. He's been ours ever since. Such a sweet puppy. He loves to ride in the car with us, and especially loves to sit with someone in the big recliner. He endures having his paws wiped off with baby wipes each time he comes in from being outside. When I come out of the bedroom in the morning, he smiles and jumps up and down. So happy to see his people. 

Enjoying a ride in the car!

Blessing #116: Rocky

I am so blessed... to have Rocky as a part of our family. I would have never expected ours to be a family with a dog inside the house (our childhood pet was restricted to the backyard). Our "Little One" has his own chair in the living room, though he'd much rather sit in the recliner with one of us. Unconditionally loving. Watches hopefully whilst we eat. Heartbroken to see us go. Elated to have us back. Runs like the wind. Gives the best kisses. Love our Rocky! 

♥ 

Faith. Hope. Family.

If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them.  When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope?  We have two options, medically and emotionally:  give up, or fight like hell. 


It's been a long, long, looooooong time. So much has happened. I became an Auntie in August, and am completely smitten with my nephew. He lives thousands of miles away, but through the amazing technologies available, we are able to Skype and see him a few times a week. He is beyond precious, but thankful he hasn't set my biological clock to ticking! 


The biggest event to happen in my family to date; however, came in October. We found out that my mother has breast cancer. Initially we believed it to be a benign tumor, but after further testing and surgeries, it was upgraded to Stage III. I can't begin to describe the affect that 6-letter word has on a family. I'm not sure I can even try to explain all the emotions I felt after the diagnosis. All I know is one night, after lying there unable to sleep, I sat up in bed and realized that I had to move home. There was no way I would let my mother would go through this while I lived hours away, unable to help. 


I began making the necessary arrangements to move home. Thankfully I had a student teacher this past year who graduated in December; she was able to stay on as my long-term sub during my Family and Medical Leave of Absence. My roommate and I quickly found someone to take my lease, and one of my best friends flew out to help me pack all of my belongings in a U-haul. We drove just under 12 hours in the rain to get me home where I belonged. I've been home with my mom since December. 


Many things about the move were difficult. Hopefully this does not seem selfish, but uprooting my life and not leaving Phoenix on "my terms"--at the end of the year, after ample time for goodbyes to my friends and colleagues--proved to be emotional for me. Of course I knew that I was making the absolute best decision possible and I would forever regret staying in Phoenix instead of coming home. This didn't stop me from feeling incredibly sad when I left, and doesn't keep me from having moments now when I wish I were there. 


Mostly, though, I am very grateful to be here. Spending time with my mom--reading, watching movies, walking, making smoothies, and even just cleaning while she sleeps--is a precious gift. To be able to help Skype my brother and nephew into the chemo room every twenty-one days while she is hooked up to I.V.'s for three hours... That makes me happy. Plenty of moments arise when I wonder if I'm doing this whole caretaker thing right. Am I nudging her enough to live "normally?" (Is there such a thing as "normal" in the context of cancer?!) Should I back off more? Am I feeding her the right foods? Is any of this right?! And then my wonderful aunt pointed out that this is a journey unique to my mother and our family. Sure there are plenty of books written to serve as guides for patients and families facing the battle against cancer, but no one can tell us exactly what our journey will be like. We have to do whatever is right for us. I decided that this is my litmus test for whether my actions are "right": If I am choosing this action from a place of love for my mother (and not a place of obligation or worry), then it is right. That's all I can do. Love her. Support her. Read her to sleep. Make her a smoothie in the blender. Watch seemingly endless episodes of Nate Berkus with her. 


And, I can run a half marathon in her honor. Which I did, almost a month ago! On January 16th, I ran 13.1 miles with an incredible friend at my side. We wore pink for my momma, and my thoughts went to her every time I wanted to give up (which happened a lot). 

Faith. Hope. Family. That's how we'll get through this. 

Me after the race. Exhausted but happy!

Blessing #115: To Be My Mother's Daughter
To be at home with my momma right now is a blessing. This past summer, she showed me the true meaning of grace through her actions when she lovingly devoted her life for a time to taking care of my ailing grandmother (who was not always good to her). Watching her selflessly give up her own bedroom and bathroom, bathe and clothe my grandmother, feed her and love her, I thought to myself When it is my turn--when my mother needs me--I hope I am ready to give it all up to be there for her. This was my chance. And I did it. What a blessing to be able to give back to my mother (even in this smallest way) for all of the time, love, support, and help she gave to her own mother (and always to me). I am so blessed... to be my mother's daughter. She is a jewel of a woman; I can only hope to be half as graceful as she is someday. 


♥ 

Sweet Dreams

Death is beautiful when seen to be a law, and not an accident - It is as common as life.


It's funny that so many people walk around afraid of dying... All ideas of what happens after death aside -- when you're dead, you won't know it. Shouldn't we be more concerned about living, which is what we're doing right now?

If there's anything I've gleaned so far from experiencing the death of my beloved grandmother -- from watching her go from walking freely to using a walker, moving into our house, going to the hospital, and, finally, experiencing the days leading up to her passing with hospice helping us along -- it's actually quite quick. It happens just like anything else in your day happens. And it can be beautiful. Incredibly beautiful. And it must be horrible to go through it alone. I am so thankful that hospice gave my family the opportunity to be with our grandmother in our home, so that we could be there with her -- loving her -- right up to her last breath. 


I'm still processing it all. It's spurned me to blog, though, so I suppose that's a good thing. Maybe I'll be up to writing more another time. For now... 


Blessing #114: Hospice
I am so blessed... that Hopsice exists. It is an incredible organization that employs amazing people to support and encourage families taking care of loved ones in the end stages of life. For our family, they were a huge blessing, allowing us to have my grandmother in our home. They provide differentiated support and even have musicians come out to play peaceful music for patients. I don't have enough words to express how thankful I am for the role Hospice played in the end of my grandmother's life. Such a blessing. 

♥