Sweet Song [Day 1: A Favorite Song]

I hope you never look back but you never forget

All the ones who love you and the place you left

I hope you always forgive and you never regret

And you help somebody every chance you get

Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake

And always give more than you take

I love music of all kinds. And I don't particularly like being asked what is my favorite music. My iPod is filled with so many different artists and songs; I love putting it on shuffle to just see what pops up. 


But, today I need to pick a favorite song. There are many I could choose from that remind me of wonderful people, fantastic memories, beautiful places, great times... Today, though, I decided on a song that makes me cry every time because whenever I hear it and sing along, I think of my mom.

The lyrics at the beginning of this post are from the song "My Wish," by Rascal Flatts -- the song I've chosen as a favorite. 

My mother played this song for me during my last quarter of college in spring 2008. I was in the midst of student teaching and had recently found out about my acceptance into Teach for America, which meant I was also preparing to move to Phoenix, AZ, for two years. It would be the first time I lived away from my parents (I attended college 40 minutes from home). As thrilling as that was, I was also constantly holding back a meltdown because I was going to miss my mom! She was incredibly supportive, encouraging, and excited for me, even though I knew the whole situation was making her sad.

One day, my mom told me she wanted me to listen to something. She put on "My Wish," and told me that it expressed everything she felt for me. She wanted me to know that no matter how sad she sometimes seemed about me leaving, she was so proud of me for who I was becoming and the choices I was making. It made me cry then, and it still makes me cry now. We purchased necklaces as part of my graduation gift, and one of the matching charms we chose is a star imprinted with the word "wish" to remind us of our song. Reminds me no matter where I am or what I am doing that somewhere my mom is loving me and hoping life becomes all that I want it to.

The past couple of months, time with my mom has become even more precious and the little things we share (Gilmore Girls, soy chai lattes, shopping, Meg Ryan movies, french fries, movies and popcorn... to name a few) feel all the more important.

Even our song.

Blessing #121: Olive Garden breadsticks
Ohmigosh. Let me start by saying I understand that the Olive Garden is not considered a "real" Italian restaurant. When it comes right down to it, though, I don't care. I love love love those breadsticks. As soon as I sit down, I order a drink and ask if we can get some breadsticks. Prefer not to wait until I order. I need something to munch whilst I look at the menu, after all! Oh, those glorious, warm, garlic-y, oh-so slightly crusty on the outside but soft on the inside breadsticks. Yum.

♥ 

March Madness

There's nothing like biting off more than you can chew, and then chewing anyway. 


Thanks to some inspiration from my friend Vickie over at the Ramblings of a TwentySomething, March will be a month of slight madness for me. She posted some goals to make healthy choices for the month of March, and invited readers to join in any/all of her goals. I've decided to set two goals of my own: one for physical health, and one for mental health. 


March will be a month of "dailies" for me: 

• A personal challenge to move each day (could be a run, walk, hike, class at the Y, anything -- I just have to move!), and 
• A daily blog challenge

Now that I'm consistent about blogging blessings, I'd like to become more consistent in actually blogging. Some days simply lack inspiration for me, but perhaps if there was a prompt, I would find myself writing more. Hence, the 30 Day Blog Challenge, which I will begin posting tomorrow, so that I finish up on March 31st: 


Day 01 — A favorite song
Day 02 — A favorite movie
Day 03 — A favorite TV show
Day 04 — A favorite book
Day 05 — A favorite quote
Day 06 — A fun fact about me
Day 07 — A favorite photo
Day 08 — Something I crave
Day 09 — Pet peeves
Day 10 — A photo of me taken over ten years ago
Day 11 — A photo of me taken recently
Day 12 — Something I bought recently
Day 13 — Something I want to buy
Day 14 — An old photo
Day 15 — My celebrity crush
Day 16 — A favorite food
Day 17 — A photo of my family
Day 18 — A baby photo
Day 19 — A fun memory
Day 20 — A hobby of mine
Day 21 — A favorite recipe
Day 22 — A favorite joke
Day 23 — A video
Day 24 — A travel story
Day 25 — A favorite photo
Day 26 — A funny (true) story
Day 27 — A child I love
Day 28 — A place I love
Day 29 — A person I love
Day 30 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days


We'll see how it goes! 


In personal news, tomorrow is my mother's last chemo treatment! I am thrilled, relieved, and anxious. This past round was very difficult for her, and though I know this is the last one she has to go through, it is still going to be heartbreaking to watch her deal with the side effects. It'll be the last meeting of the Chemo Girls (and Guy), which is definitely cause for celebration! 


Blessing #120: Crock Pot
Recently I've discovered the amazingness of the Crock Pot. Dump all of the ingredients into the pot, put the cover on, plug the Crock Pot in, set it on low, and come back in 6-8 hours to find dinner ready. Incredible! First of all, it makes what can easily be the most hectic part of my day much smoother, and also I look like a much more capable cook than I am. Bonus: the house smells delicious all day long! 

♥

Brunch and Blanks

I wish I could crawl into one of those [crepes] right now. I'd eat my way out from the inside. 

This morning I went to a wonderful mother-daughter brunch with some lovely ladies. My mother stayed at home -- she's really tired today -- but everyone wrote out a sweet card for her. She is loved! Fantastic company aside, I really love brunch. A lot. Breakfast is something I can always eat, but brunch is best because it combines my favorite things about breakfast and lunch. Sweet and savory. Yum yum. 

We looked at pictures and reminisced about a trip to France many of us took together in the Spring of 2002. What a spectacular experience. One of the most memorable parts of the trip is this string of photos we have of the girls posing with men on motorcycles. Sounds ridiculous, right? 

It all started on our second day in Paris, on the Avenue des Champs-Élysées. We saw this handsome older man riding his motorcycle on the sidewalk, and one of the mothers asked if we girls might pose with him for a picture. He charmingly obliged (as Frenchmen are inclined to do) and smiled for the camera. Immediately following this, he saw something out of the corner of his eye and went running down the sidewalk and into the Metro entrance. Minutes later he walked out dragging a teenage boy behind him. Turns out, this man was an under-cover cop (un flic) and the young boy was part of a gang of thieves stealing from passengers on the Metro. 

That picture with the beau flic was just the beginning: a handsome Tome Cruise-look-alike outside a castle in Fugeres, a father-son pair at a gas station in Normandy, two very good looking young guys in Avignon (one took quite a liking to me -- the feeling was mutual -- and let me sit on his motorcycle. Sometimes I'm still curious about what might have happened there if my mother hadn't been 20 feet away... oh, Antoine...), our home-stay brother just outside of Cannes... What started as something quite embarrassing for a group of teenage girls turned out to be one of the best parts of our trip! Thank goodness one of the moms knew better than to let our shyness get in the way of good memories. 

Today is Friday... that means it's time for Fill-In-The-Blanks! 

1.   I am currently obsessed with       The Ellen Show. She is just so funny and does the best things with her guests and audience. One day, I'd love to dance on the Ellen Show! I've begun recording episodes to make sure I don't miss any surprise Justin Bieber appearances (oh, that's another current obsession: the Biebs).

2.  Today I am    feeling good     because,    brunch was fabulous, I am almost finished getting through the process of becoming a substitute teacher, my tummy is better, and I'm looking forward to mom's last chemo session next week!!! 

3.  The age I am is    25    and the age I feel is    23, most of the time. I feel like 23 was a great year, I learned/grew a lot, and I haven't changed a whole lot since. Some days I feel older, though, like the day I realized I would have to get a new cell phone and my reaction was: "Ugh! Now I have to learn how to use a new phone!! Can't I just keep this one?!" Sounds like my parents! 

4.  My favorite place is     wherever I am feeling happy and enjoying life. 

5.  Something I have been procrastinating is     returning emails. Which is ridiculous, because I have plenty of time to do so, yet I have quite a few emails I need to answer. One day... 

6.  The last thing I purchased was        prescription from Walgreens. 

7.  The thing I love most about my home is       that it's where my heart is -- I dont' have to go back to one place to feel at home!   

Blessing #119: Crepes

Crepes are amazing. Light, sweet (but not too sweet), and great for any filling: Nutella, fruit, cinnamon sugar, whipped cream, almonds, cheese, meat, mushrooms... it's all delicious! Great for a part because all you have to do is supply various fillings, and then impress all of your friends by whipping up batches of fluffy, thin crepes. They are also indescribably delectable from street vendors in Paris. One of my favorite things to do there was go whenever possible to our Crepe Man at his stand in the Latin Quarter, who knew us after a couple of visits and kissed me on my birthday. Crepe stands are kind of like the French equivalent of New York hot dog vendors. Oh, now I want more crepes!

♥ 

I would like to...

It's Fill-In-The-Blank Friday time! One of my favorite things to do, thanks Lauren! 

1.   I am      a good combination of my mother and father. A teacher. Friendly. Loyal. Stubborn to a fault sometimes. Learning to stand up for myself. Not worrying about where I'll be in a few months -- yet! A new runner. A girly-girl, but not too girly. A texter. A karaoke singing, jump-on-stage-with-the-band, dancing fun-seeker. Still becoming.

2.  The bravest thing I've ever done was    hmmm. Either packing up and moving to Phoenix, or running a half marathon.

3.  I feel prettiest when       my students tell my I look beautiful.

4.  Something that keeps me awake at night is    thinking about the things I need to get done. 

5.  My favorite meal in the entire world is     my mom makes this amazing cheesy potato casserole... I could eat it for every meal! Also, I really love a good breakfast, especially the cinnamon rolls from The Good Egg. 

6.  The way to my heart is       through quality time, funny texts, and the willingness to just be completely silly at the drop of a hat. Also a good argument .

7.  I would like to      participate in a triathlon, see Justin Bieber in concert, own my own place, visit NYC, travel in South America... I would like to do so many things! 

In Excess

Anything in excess is most exhilarating. 

One day this week (if it's warm enough for an iced coffee drink), I think I'll head to Starbucks to order a drink in the new, 31 oz. Trenta cup. 31 oz.?! Seriously!? Apparently, there are many things you can fit into this cup.

Don't get me wrong, Starbucks is one of the things I enjoy in excess. Who really needs a Venti Iced Skim Caramel Macchiato, when all that's desired is a quick jolt of caffeine? I wish I were "too cool" to love it -- that I would choose to support local coffee shops instead of the coffee equivalent of McDonald's -- but alas, I choose the 'Bucks every time. 

Another thing I enjoy in excess is a reality show. Nothing like spending an entire Sunday afternoon parked in front of a "My Fair Wedding" marathon. There seems to be a direct correlation between how many episodes of any given reality show are airing that day and how interested I am in said reality show. The more time I have to watch it in succession, the more likely I am to enjoy every gloriously awful episode. My favorite marathons are of the Shore and Housewife variety, though. 

If I could have this following item in excess, that would make my life complete. He's also... 

Blessing #118: My Nephew

Oh. My. Heart. He stole it! Within 36 hours of entering this world, my nephew stole my heart and has yet to return it. Too bad he lives thousands of miles away, and it's not likely I'll be getting my heart back anytime soon. Never have I met such a precious child. His big blue eyes, and the way his red hair flips up in the front -- beyond adorable! And those yummy cheeks. And, of course, that delicious baby smell. Truly, he smells so incredibly wonderful, I can hardly stand it! If I could spend excessive amounts of time with him, that would be a dream come true. 

♥ Our first snuggle sesh ♥ 

JB and FITB

The Justin Bieber movie "Never Say Never" comes out today. Yes, I am going to see it. Dragging my momma with me, too.

Aaaaaand, it's Fill-in-the-Blank Friday! Thanks again to Lauren for some super fun questions.

1.   The TV show/website that I watch/read that I would be embarrassed to tell anyone about is   The Jersey Shore! I mean, some people know I watch, but the reality is, I'm addicted! I actually enjoy the show -- it's on my DVR!

2.  An item of clothing that is worn and torn but that I love far to much to throw away is    I don't actually have anything fitting that description. I'm pretty good about getting rid of un-wearable things. 

3.  My grocery store impulse buy is       Some sort of candy bar/soda purchase at the checkout. Happens more often than I'd like to admit... 

4.  Something I do at work to pass time that I wouldn't want my co-workers to know about is      read the news online   .

5.  One thing in my life that I could give up, but never will is     Facebook. 

6.  A little indulgence that I have is        Putting Nutella on anything in the morning and calling it breakfast. 

7.  The junk drawer/area in my house is       Everything gets shoved under my bed!   

Kindness Counts.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. 


Now more than ever before, I've begun to understand how important it is to be as kind as you can to everyone you meet...

You never know if that's the day they found out their mother has Stage III cancer.
Or the day their father got laid off after 24 years at the same company.
Or the day they should have been in their classroom, welcoming back their students from Winter Break; instead they have dropped everything to move home.
Or the day they are moving away from the life they've built over the past 2 1/2 years.
Or the day before they take a loved one for a round of chemotherapy; to sit and watch for 3 hours as chemicals so harsh they would burn through the laminate floors are pumped into her veins.
Or the day they watched that loved one stay in bed for an entire day, exhausted from fighting a battle with her own body's cells.
Or the day they first saw their loved one completely bald, when usually she has a head full of thick, strawberry blond hair.
Or the day they watch their mother cry because everything tastes like dirt and she is always tired.

...You just never know. Maybe they are getting ready for this:

Another afternoon of chemo.

All I know is that when someone who gives an extra smile or genuine "hello" when I am out and about now, I feel it's warmth more than I ever have before. When you and your family are fighting this kind of battle, every sweetness is an incredible encouragement. So many of our daily tasks are overwhelming and exhausting. 

If I am going through this, who knows what others are facing daily! Even problems I might consider "easy" to bear at this point in my life can be huge obstacles for other people. I feel compelled to be more aware of others and trying to affect them in a positive way -- no matter how our lives intersect -- because I know how much I am impacted by the kindness of others right now. Especially the kind texts, notes, and chats from my friends. 

Be kind. We never know. 

Blessing #117: Chemo Girls (and Guys)

Every 21 days, my two aunts, my dad, and I escort my mom to chemotherapy. We set up our chairs, bring out her cozy "chemo-blanket," chat with the nurses, and settle in for the next 3 hours. Now that I'm home, Chemo Girls has expanded to include my brother and nephew, whom we bring into the room via Skype. We tease my mom as the "loopy" pills kick in and her eyelids begin to flutter. My dad makes his trip to get us all coffee. We chat and laugh and read magazines. I see many people there by themselves, and I feel so blessed... that we have a group there to support my mom. 

♥ 

Man's Best Friend.

I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive. 

My dog knows we're leaving tomorrow. Completely underfoot all day long. Every time I turned around, there Rocky was, at my feet. He followed my mother around, too. He knows. We're heading down for chemo session #5 tomorrow. As much as I feel sad leaving him at home, coming back after being away is one of the best experiences ever. Ever. He gets so excited he actually jumps and leaps in the air. Then, just because he doesn't know what to do with himself, he often grabs the nearest shoe or slipper and runs around the house. Followed by more leaping, this time onto us, accompanied with a smile. An actual smile. Not bearing his teeth -- a smile! And, he shakes. Just shakes and shakes. Yep, coming home is really fun when Rocky is waiting. 


Rocky is just the cutest dog. I am so thankful that we have been able to give him a loving home. One night, a couple of years ago, his owners (who must have abused him because he is incredibly scared of fly-swatters, curse words, walking too closely behind him, crashing sounds, and any raised voices) just let him outside in the middle of a thunderstorm. He ran to my brother and mom's porch, and my brother let him inside. He's been ours ever since. Such a sweet puppy. He loves to ride in the car with us, and especially loves to sit with someone in the big recliner. He endures having his paws wiped off with baby wipes each time he comes in from being outside. When I come out of the bedroom in the morning, he smiles and jumps up and down. So happy to see his people. 

Enjoying a ride in the car!

Blessing #116: Rocky

I am so blessed... to have Rocky as a part of our family. I would have never expected ours to be a family with a dog inside the house (our childhood pet was restricted to the backyard). Our "Little One" has his own chair in the living room, though he'd much rather sit in the recliner with one of us. Unconditionally loving. Watches hopefully whilst we eat. Heartbroken to see us go. Elated to have us back. Runs like the wind. Gives the best kisses. Love our Rocky! 

♥ 

Faith. Hope. Family.

If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them.  When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope?  We have two options, medically and emotionally:  give up, or fight like hell. 


It's been a long, long, looooooong time. So much has happened. I became an Auntie in August, and am completely smitten with my nephew. He lives thousands of miles away, but through the amazing technologies available, we are able to Skype and see him a few times a week. He is beyond precious, but thankful he hasn't set my biological clock to ticking! 


The biggest event to happen in my family to date; however, came in October. We found out that my mother has breast cancer. Initially we believed it to be a benign tumor, but after further testing and surgeries, it was upgraded to Stage III. I can't begin to describe the affect that 6-letter word has on a family. I'm not sure I can even try to explain all the emotions I felt after the diagnosis. All I know is one night, after lying there unable to sleep, I sat up in bed and realized that I had to move home. There was no way I would let my mother would go through this while I lived hours away, unable to help. 


I began making the necessary arrangements to move home. Thankfully I had a student teacher this past year who graduated in December; she was able to stay on as my long-term sub during my Family and Medical Leave of Absence. My roommate and I quickly found someone to take my lease, and one of my best friends flew out to help me pack all of my belongings in a U-haul. We drove just under 12 hours in the rain to get me home where I belonged. I've been home with my mom since December. 


Many things about the move were difficult. Hopefully this does not seem selfish, but uprooting my life and not leaving Phoenix on "my terms"--at the end of the year, after ample time for goodbyes to my friends and colleagues--proved to be emotional for me. Of course I knew that I was making the absolute best decision possible and I would forever regret staying in Phoenix instead of coming home. This didn't stop me from feeling incredibly sad when I left, and doesn't keep me from having moments now when I wish I were there. 


Mostly, though, I am very grateful to be here. Spending time with my mom--reading, watching movies, walking, making smoothies, and even just cleaning while she sleeps--is a precious gift. To be able to help Skype my brother and nephew into the chemo room every twenty-one days while she is hooked up to I.V.'s for three hours... That makes me happy. Plenty of moments arise when I wonder if I'm doing this whole caretaker thing right. Am I nudging her enough to live "normally?" (Is there such a thing as "normal" in the context of cancer?!) Should I back off more? Am I feeding her the right foods? Is any of this right?! And then my wonderful aunt pointed out that this is a journey unique to my mother and our family. Sure there are plenty of books written to serve as guides for patients and families facing the battle against cancer, but no one can tell us exactly what our journey will be like. We have to do whatever is right for us. I decided that this is my litmus test for whether my actions are "right": If I am choosing this action from a place of love for my mother (and not a place of obligation or worry), then it is right. That's all I can do. Love her. Support her. Read her to sleep. Make her a smoothie in the blender. Watch seemingly endless episodes of Nate Berkus with her. 


And, I can run a half marathon in her honor. Which I did, almost a month ago! On January 16th, I ran 13.1 miles with an incredible friend at my side. We wore pink for my momma, and my thoughts went to her every time I wanted to give up (which happened a lot). 

Faith. Hope. Family. That's how we'll get through this. 

Me after the race. Exhausted but happy!

Blessing #115: To Be My Mother's Daughter
To be at home with my momma right now is a blessing. This past summer, she showed me the true meaning of grace through her actions when she lovingly devoted her life for a time to taking care of my ailing grandmother (who was not always good to her). Watching her selflessly give up her own bedroom and bathroom, bathe and clothe my grandmother, feed her and love her, I thought to myself When it is my turn--when my mother needs me--I hope I am ready to give it all up to be there for her. This was my chance. And I did it. What a blessing to be able to give back to my mother (even in this smallest way) for all of the time, love, support, and help she gave to her own mother (and always to me). I am so blessed... to be my mother's daughter. She is a jewel of a woman; I can only hope to be half as graceful as she is someday. 


♥ 

Sweet Dreams

Death is beautiful when seen to be a law, and not an accident - It is as common as life.


It's funny that so many people walk around afraid of dying... All ideas of what happens after death aside -- when you're dead, you won't know it. Shouldn't we be more concerned about living, which is what we're doing right now?

If there's anything I've gleaned so far from experiencing the death of my beloved grandmother -- from watching her go from walking freely to using a walker, moving into our house, going to the hospital, and, finally, experiencing the days leading up to her passing with hospice helping us along -- it's actually quite quick. It happens just like anything else in your day happens. And it can be beautiful. Incredibly beautiful. And it must be horrible to go through it alone. I am so thankful that hospice gave my family the opportunity to be with our grandmother in our home, so that we could be there with her -- loving her -- right up to her last breath. 


I'm still processing it all. It's spurned me to blog, though, so I suppose that's a good thing. Maybe I'll be up to writing more another time. For now... 


Blessing #114: Hospice
I am so blessed... that Hopsice exists. It is an incredible organization that employs amazing people to support and encourage families taking care of loved ones in the end stages of life. For our family, they were a huge blessing, allowing us to have my grandmother in our home. They provide differentiated support and even have musicians come out to play peaceful music for patients. I don't have enough words to express how thankful I am for the role Hospice played in the end of my grandmother's life. Such a blessing. 

♥