Defining Moments

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.
Didn't I tell you...
But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you...

Sometimes defining moments come and go without the realization that right then, everything changed. I'm finding that my subconscious makes decisions for me without my expressed consent, but that I need to be ok with it because clearly, my subconscious knows me better than I can even begin to understand. The fact that my instinct can be so spot on shouldn't really surprise me, but it does... Perhaps that's due to the fact that I like hanging out in Indecisive Town (see post "Anticipation Junkie"), and ignoring my instincts allows me more time there.


Blessing #21: Taco Bell
I am so blessed... aside from the immense pleasure I get from eating a Crunchwrap Supreme, seeing a Taco Bell as I was driving down the road yesterday triggered a series of thoughts that helped me clear my head of some guilt-inducing clutter. It's amazing the realizations one can come to when the mind is clear, open, and ready to see what has always been true. Plus, the food is as delicious as it is unhealthy. I wish I could say "I don't like fast food," but truth be told, I love it! There are few things as satisfying as a gooey pile of artery-clogging "cheese" and beans wrapped in a flour tortilla. Anyhow... Here's to being more aware of my instincts and acknowledging the wisdom that can be found in following your "gut feelings." 


Don't forget to count your blessings. 


Much love. ♥ 

Where Your Heart Is

Dad: "What IS that ugly thing??"
Mom: "Oh! That's the Cube. It's a Nissan. The cool thing about that is--"
Brother: "There is NOTHING cool about that car." (Laughter ensues)

Blessing #20: My Family
I am so blessed... the last two days I have been spending time with my amazing parents and brother. I've always known that my home is where my heart is, and even though we live hundreds of miles apart now, my heart is always with my family. I guess that means my home is in 3 different states. I laughed more in the last couple of days than I have in a while; my family is my joy.

Don't forget to count your blessings.

Much love. ♥

Right Time

The time is always right to do what is right.  ~Martin Luther King, Jr.


Sometimes you have to be willing to do what is right for you, even if it means putting yourself in an otherwise compromising position. That happened to me at work the last couple of days. This morning, after bursting into tears in my room at the reaction of an administrator to a conversation I initiated, I placed a call to my mom, who deferred to my dad. Then I dried my tears, took a deep breath and did something that was frightening but absolutely necessary: I stood up for myself and my kids. Ultimately, this situation will bring about some important changes and awareness that we as a school were lacking and even though it was tough, I am glad I dealt with it. I walked away today knowing I did the right thing. That is such an amazing feeling. 


Blessing #19: Scrabble!
I am so blessed... I run a Scrabble club after school this year, and I love it! I've also been playing a lot of online Scrabble and today, I spent the last few minutes before leaving school to enjoy fall break playing Scrabble with two other teachers and a student. I love Scrabble! 


Don't forget to count your blessings. 


Much love. ♥ 

Anticipation Junkie

"Well," said Pooh, "What I like best--" and then he had to stop and think, because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.

Oh, Winnie the Pooh... beloved childhood bear and purveyor of wisdom. There is that moment before you do something -- anticipation -- that somehow holds more emotion, excitement and thrill than the actual experience itself.

Merriam Webster defines anticipation as: 1 a : a prior action that takes into account or forestalls a later action b : the act of looking forward; especially : pleasurable expectation.


My friends, I am an anticipation junkie. Perhaps my self-diagnosed "indecisiveness" is really an anticipation addiction; the more time I spend in Indecisive Town, the longer I can experience the thrill of pleasurable expectation. You know what I mean... that feeling of not really knowing what is going to happen after the next move you make. Akin to sitting in the first car on the roller coaster right before you take the plunge down the 250 foot drop, anticipation exhilarates you like nothing else can. Maybe that's why we sometimes crave change -- we're actually longing for the moments leading up to change when we feel the thrill of looking forward to the unknown. Of course, many times the lure of anticipation leads to unfortunate choices; there are many moments I don't enjoy the aftereffects of a decision I was finally forced to make after lingering too long in Indecisive Town.

Blessing #18: My Kids
I am so blessed... my students are beyond wonderful! They make my heart... overflow with joy and love and happiness and all those cheesy things. We just have the best time together. We laugh and sing and tell jokes and get excited about making our brains grow in second grade. And their hugs... Oh, their hugs heal all the little messes in my life that overwhelm me. My life is made infinitely better by these 27 angels.

Don't forget to count your blessings.

Much love. ♥

Flipping the pencil

No one can go back and make a brand new start.
Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.


As I watch my students write during our Writer's Workshop in the morning, I constantly remind them not to waste their time erasing. The last couple of days I have been thinking about how that applies to life, and in particular my life right now. I shouldn't waste my time trying to erase things that have already been written in my life-story. Rather, I should spend my time focusing on what is happening right now so that I do not lose track of where I want to go eventually. Going back and trying to erase something that has already passed distracts my focus from what I'm doing right now and from thinking about were I want to end up. I need to flip my pencil around and keep on living instead of constantly stopping. 

Blessing # 17: Silent Bear
I am so blessed... We played the most simple, engaging and downright fun game in my classroom today! In a variation of "Silent Ball," we played "Quiet Bear." My students and I stand in a circle, and I start with the teddy bear. The point of the game is to throw the bear from student to student without talking or saying out loud who we are going to throw it to. The students must be absolutely silent and watch the person with the bear; the thrower must make and maintain eye contact with the person they want to catch the teddy bear. If you talk or drop the teddy bear, you have to sit down. I was shocked at how quiet they were! At the end of the game, there were 3 students left standing with me. Interestingly enough, those are the three quietest, most reserved students in my class. I took the opportunity to talk to the kids after the game about how eye contact is an important part of paying attention to someone. The entire rest of the day, they were constantly staring me down and watching my every move. I love teachable moments!

Don't forget to count your blessings.

Much love ♥

Justice and the String Family

When other people make mistakes, we seek justice.
When we make mistakes, we seek compassion.
The lesson is to give to others what you seek.


Oh, life... That quote is convicting. I understand it, yet I struggle to live it out... Especially at times like now. Justice is easy to demand when you feel someone else is wrong. I can't always be right, and that means extending compassion particularly at times when I really don't feel like it. I would say that my life motto is a combination of the Golden Rule and Ghandi's ideal: "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Right now I really need to be able to treat others as I want to be treated, but in selfishness I'm wavering. I'm amazed at how it never seems to be easier to live my life in a way that honors who I am... In fact, I'd say it seems to get harder the more I understand the kind of person I want to be; I suppose the greater conviction I have about my ideals and values, the more I have to actually honor them by living them out every day. Once again I say: Oh, life... 


Blessing #16: String Section of the Phoenix Symphony
I am so blessed... Today the String Section of the Phoenix Symphony came to my school to perform for the students. They were enthralled and I must admit, I was as well. What an amazing talent to be able to play an instrument like that in sync with other musicians! I never realized how beautiful a sound could be produced by just that section of the symphony orchestra. 


Don't forget to count your blessings. 


Much love. ♥ 

Tail Chasing

There is a story told about a dog who discovered that happiness was in his tail. He kept trying over and over to get it, but all he could do was run around in circles. Exhausted and frustrated with this endless pursuit, he eventually stopped. And then he discovered that if he would just go on about his life, it would follow him wherever he went.

Isn't that the truth? I can completely relate to that dog, as I'm sure you can, too. You can't chase happiness, you can't try to hold it in your hands and you certainly can't make happiness for someone else. As much as relentless pursuit is fitting and called for in many areas of life, when it comes to happiness... The more one tries to chase it, find it, hold it, or create it, the more elusive it becomes... Because, really, happiness is being present. Dwelling on the past or focusing on the future only distract you from what is going on in your life right now, and how can you be happy if you're unable to actively participate in your life at this moment? I guess we should stop trying to get happiness and just be happy.

Blessing #15: Cell phone ringtones
I warned these would not always be particularly deep or inspiring... I am so blessed. With the advent of actual song clips as ringtones, one does not have to settle for a series of computerized beeps and blips to alert a phone call, message, or alarm. I am particularly thankful for this in the morning. I use my cell phone alarm to wake me up so that I do not have to be jolted out of peaceful slumber by an obnoxious beep beep beep! Rather, I am gently lured from my dreams by Bach's Minuet in G. Mmmmmmm... how lovely. A small blessing that really sets the tone for my day. 

Don't forget to count your blessings.

Much love. ♥

Never be that for you

It's amazing how some songs just say things better than I ever could. If you've never listened to Matt Wertz, you should... he's amazing. Last February I got to see him in concert here in Phoenix; it's one of my favorite memories!

I'm not made of gold
Thought I told you so
With your hopes so high
I'll tell you one more time
You'll hear me if you try

I could never be that for you
I could never be that for you
I could never take your cloudy skies and make them blue
You keep on telling me I light your day
You're hanging on to every word I say
I could never be that for you, that for you

Put it on the line
Wear it on your sleeve
It's up to me now
But I'll never make your broken heart begin to beat

I could never be that for you
I could never be that for you
I could never take your cloudy skies and make them blue
You keep on telling me I light your day
You're hanging on to every word I say
I could never be that for you, that for you

I can't be your everything
I can not make things right
I'll tell you one more time
Maybe you'll hear me if you try

I could never be that for you


Blessings # 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 and 14: H & J, K, A, L, E, C, N
I am so blessed... This is not an episode of Sesame Street and I am not thankful for various letters of the alphabet. I am thankful for some particularly amazing friends and their protective love. It is important to surround yourself with friends who care deeply enough for you to help you make decisions you don't know how to make. Picture yourself as a small child creating a line of plastic toy soldiers in front of you: That is what I mean by protective love. In order for your friends and family to protect you, you have to let them in first. Once you do... they will be there for you no matter what! Sometimes you might not want to hear their advice, but it's always advice coming from a place of protective love. I am so blessed by my amazing friends and family and their powerful protective love. 


Don't forget to let people in and allow them to shelter you with their protective love. 


And don't forget to count your blessings. 


Much love. ♥ 

Back and forth

Impromptu blessings. For a day that found me feeling down a few times, there were so many blessings to count! 


Blessing #4: CM
I am so blessed... my friend CM reminded me this evening why my desire for a DeLorean may be slightly misguided. So not only would a DeLorean be cool, but a crystal ball as well. Going back would be great except if we went back, we would not be who we are today. While sometimes being who we are today is not the most fun experience, it is who we are and it is what makes us each interesting and unique. Having a crystal ball would make life more simple. We could then prepare for what is to come. I don't want to see very far; for instance I do not want to know how I will die. But, I would like to see where things are going and whether or not doing certain things now will make it all worth it. I'm still holding out for the DeLorean. Perhaps we're both a little misguided... isn't it the unknown that makes life worth experiencing in the first place? Reminds me of the movie Stranger Than Fiction... the protagonist realizes that his life is being narrated (well, actually, dictated) by the author of his story, and he struggles against always knowing what happens next and feeling as though he has no choice. I suppose a DeLorean or a crystal ball would ultimately rob us of the power we have over the present. That's not something I really want to give up, I suppose... although, at times, I will wish for the chance to gun that car to 88, and that's ok. 

Blessing #5: Telephone pictionary
I am so blessed... that game is exactly what it sounds like. Instead of whispering a word or phrase around a circle, each person playing comes up with a phrase, writes it down and passes it to the left. The person on their immediate left has the job of drawing a picture to represent the phrase, then they pass it to their left, and that player must try to decipher the phrase shown by the illustration. This continues until each player ends up with the pile of cards showing the multiple representations of the original phrase. Hilarity ensues. Playing that game with good friends is especially wonderful.

Blessing #6: Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake
I will not even try to describe the decadent and delightful deliciousness of a peanut butter chocolate cake. Words would fail to adequately express the experience of eating such a dessert! So I'll just leave you to imagine...

Much love. ♥

At the bottom of the sea...

I should be working, of course... Most of the time, I should be working. Right now, though, I need to stop and count at least one blessing. For my own sanity.


Last night, someone asked me what music I like. I was asked this a couple of months ago, as well, and quite honestly, it is a question that irks me for many reasons. One being that I have a hard time actually answering, because I feel like the question has many different answers depending on my mood, my current situation in life, etc. Another reason is that most people seem to use those answers to make assumptions/judgments about others; I'm not really sure that the kind of music you like says much about you other than what kind of noise you are willing to put up with at a given moment... Maybe that opinion comes from a desire not to be judged or pigeonholed by others based on my music preference. Really, what do you think you know about me from that information? How much will you base other opinions on me off of what radio station I typically turn to? I feel that I've ranted enough about that for now; in any case, What kind of music do you like? is not one of my favorite questions.


Even though I cannot honestly say what my "favorite kind" of music is, I can say that I love music. Particularly, I love the many associations I have with certain songs... Hearing a specific song for me is like smelling a familiar smell or looking at a photograph. Instantly I am flooded with many memories -- good or bad -- and a glorious feeling of nostalgia. So maybe my favorite music is music that makes me remember moments, places and, most importantly, people. Which is probably why my iTunes library is filled with so many incomplete albums and single songs; I really just love music that reminds me of my life. 


Speaking of iTunes... The great thing about putting your iTunes on shuffle is that, much like Forrest's box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. I find at times this is also the bad thing about iTunes shuffle, which I guess would also be true for the box of chocolates. You never know if you're actually going to get something you'll like because much like food, what you like can change and other times you don't really know what you like or dislike until you've had an experience with it. Shuffle also means that you never know when you might hear a song that brings back memories. That brings me to blessing #3, which in some ways is linked to the reason I started to count my blessings and also to wanting a DeLorean...


Blessing #3: "A-Punk" by Vampire Weekend
I am so blessed... iTunes shuffle brought the song "A-Punk," by Vampire Weekend into my afternoon. For me, that song brought back a plethora of memories about the last few months in Phoenix because I was introduced to the song by one of my "people" here (my friend uses that term to describe the people she feels closest to, and I would definitely say that applies here). Movies, restaurants, Tempe, baseball games, dinners at a friend's, gchats, birthdays, teaching, inside jokes, nicknames, deep conversations, not-so-deep conversations, movie and TV show quoting, "I'm On A Boat"... basically my life here the past few months and the "people" who have been integral to making my life here so blessed. 


Don't forget to count your blessings. 


Much love. ♥